by Angela Moreno

I remember the day my husband came home and said, “I sure would like to meet she.” English is my husband’s second language so I spend a fair amount of time trying to figure out what he may be asking or what point he is trying to get across. This was one of those days that I was truly puzzled and had to ask what he was talking about.

When I gave up trying to figure out what he was asking, he proceeded to tell me this story: “Most days, groups of women come into the restaurant to have lunch. They start talking about she. How she did this or she did that. She is all they talk about, and she is never there to defend herself. I would just like to meet she since I hear so much about her.”

I chuckled a little bit, but then reality hit me. How many times had I been in a group of women eating lunch or just sitting around a break room table listening to someone talk about “she”? How many times had I been the person rallying the troops against she so everyone would take my side against her?

I think it’s pretty safe to say that most of us have been in this situation. Someone upsets us at work or at church, and we decide we are going to tell everyone about it, rallying everyone we can to our side against that person. Our outrage becomes everyone’s outrage, and then a seemingly simple misunderstanding becomes a full blown drama with everyone taking sides.

Jesus’s gave us clear instructions on how to deal with discord with others. He gave us three clear steps to follow when a disagreement breaks out:

Step 1

“If your brother sins against you, go to him. Tell him what he did wrong. Keep it between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won him back.” Matthew 18:15

If you have a disagreement between you and another person, you are to go directly to that person and speak to her. No where in that verse does it say to rally the troops and grab your pitchforks. No gossiping about the person and telling everyone how she hurt your feelings. You are to keep the disagreement between the two of you. A lot of the time our hurts and frustrations are just misunderstandings that need to be talked out. Sometimes it’s somebody else who just wants to stir up problems and spread discord between others. By talking out the issue, you may be able to resolve it before it festers into a much bigger problem.

If the person listens, everything is mended and fine. If not, proceed to step 2.

Step 2

“But what if he won’t listen to you? Then take one or two others with you. Scripture says, ‘Every matter must be proved by the words of two or three witnesses.’” Matthew 18:16

If you have tried taking care of the issue between the two of you and nothing is resolved, then involve two or three people. (Still no mob with pitchforks.) I would suggest involving someone who would be a neutral party in the discussion or someone who is familiar with the situation and can act as a mediator for both sides. Involving other people in the conversation can help keep the emotional aspect to a minimum and keep the conversation on track. The other people can also ask pointed questions to help clear up any confusion. Make sure that whoever you bring into the conversation will keep your conflict in confidence and won’t add to the problem.

If the person listens, everything is mended and fine. If not, proceed to step 3.

Step 3

“But what if he also refuses to listen to the witnesses? Then tell it to the church.” Matthew 18:17a

This is where things might get a bit dicey for some of us. What if my conflict isn’t a church related conflict or a conflict with a believer? We as followers of Christ are still to follow and obey the teachings of Jesus. If you are having an issue with someone who is not a believer, the way you handle the situation is extremely important, especially if they know you follow Christ.

In a work situation, especially one that may be causing a hostile work environment, I would suggest involving your boss, or if your boss is the problem, involve Human Resources. Coming from a retail environment and dealing with these issues with employees, I would make sure you have taken good notes of what conversations have been had and details of the problem with dates and times if at all possible. Go into the meeting with the attitude that you want to peaceable fix this issue so it does not affect the working environment any more.

If it is a church related issue with a brother or sister in Christ, don’t be afraid to go to your pastor. He or she is used to dealing with conflict and can point you in the right direction, use scripture to help you both see what needs to be done, and hopefully resolve the conflict.

What if it still isn’t solved?

Depending on which translation you are reading, the answer is different. The New International version says to no longer treat him as a brother. I personally like the message version of Jesus’s message:

“If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.” Matthew 18:17b

We aren’t to just write people off because they hurt us. We are to love them unconditionally just like Jesus loves us. I know this hard. I too have been hurt and had to forgive someone for something that was so difficult. But in the end, I feel at peace about the situation and feel God guiding and supporting my decision.

Next time you are sitting at a table and someone is trying to rally everyone against another person, excuse yourself from the situation. You don’t have to be part of it. Change the conversation to something that is pleasing to everyone’s ears and doesn’t disparage or hurt another.

Jesus tells us that there are two commandments that we must follow:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Love him with all your mind. This is the first and most important commandment. And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”Matthew 22:37-39

Tuck those words into your heart. The next time conflict arises, pull them out and remember that you are to love that person like you love yourself no matter what the circumstance is.